i woke up this morning in a terrible mood... i had a text from J which for some reason put me in a bad mood and i just wish things were the same and i had my dad and my lovely boyfriend... i used to feel kinda smug coz he was so good looking and kind and lovely and most of all genuinely loved me and i loved him too... i miss him so much sometimes, just being near him, how in the morning we would both half wake up and he would loop his arm around me and curl around me and go back to sleep and i'd just lay there and feel so warm and comfortable and happy and think how there was no where else i would rather be and now i doubt i can ever go back to that with him... and I know that J is settling down back to his old life now... and i'm just scared that moving to france will be an even bigger change and maybe just what i DON'T need you know... so much has changed and sometimes i slow down a second and feel so disoriented, like the word is whizzing past me and i'm just standing there watching it fly away... i keep having nightmares, in the last 3, the first i had moved to france but it was horrible and the mother was cruelle de ville evil and blew smoke in my face, the second G was there with this young girl and telling me how he had had an affair with her (some twisted viewpoint of me and J?) and in the 3rd one of my closest male friends at the moment was shot and bleeding and i was trying to staunch the blood but he was dead... but they were so vivid and my feelings in them so strong god i hate thinking of J at night or in the morning, but its like i cant not coz the alternative is thinking of G and thats even worse. Part of me wonders if meeting someone else would be good after all, coz then i wouldnt think of either of them and i wouldnt have those weird unbearable feelings where you wanna bang your head against the wall... saying that, thinking about J or G is infintely better then worrying over M and his heroin or my dad and his alocoholism... maybe france will be good, maybe i can forget all of it?