So I try to shake these things off... But I’m not always good at it. My parents have this uncanny ability to make me cry, more than anyone else. I find myself worrying about what they think more than anything else...and I probably shouldn’t.

So in case you haven't already picked up...I am adopted. I found out when I was 8, pretty young. I cried for three days straight. No joke. Even at 8, children can think their whole life is a lie... I vowed that when I turned 18 I would start looking for my real mother, here I am 19, and I haven’t found anything. I have given up for now, and I hope to find records over the summer. My father said he would help. My dad isn't always a terrible person; he just is easily ****. He said his months ago, and my parents have mad no effort to help me. Let’s say that what we do know of my real mother is not good news. With her lifestyle, she is most likely dead, and that’s the cold hard truth. I haven't cried about this, because there is a chance that she is alive.

When I was about 16 years old, my mother and I got into a large scale argument that spanned a week. As the week went on, things escalated. The last day of the argument, the one comment that ended the entire argument, the Nuke that blew up my world. Was this: "You're a mistake."
Silence, absolute silence. My mother knew what she had done. She was proud. She left, and I stayed in the room. I stayed there, and I cried for 6 days, I didn't move, I did not eat. Why? Because it was true. I sometimes believe this is why God has abandoned me, because he does not have an eye for mistakes. He created us...and then realizes what he did. Me, meh...life moves on. I try to be positive. But there's a line, and I can only keep myself feeling that way for a few days. After that I lose it.

I found out a few weeks ago, that I have TB Infection. Not deadly, not contagious, but an infection nonetheless. So I had been waiting for the meds, and such, and I had to get a chest x-ray and see a doctor before I could get them. My mother came up on a Wednesday. She picked me up, we drove out to a mall, and now that I think of it, I don't even know why. Well we got into a heated argument again. It came down to the point where it hurt to hold in the tears. I eventually burst, the thing is, I haven't cried in front of my mother for 14 years. My father conditioned me to not cry, when I was younger, by getting "angry," if you know what I mean. She had been angry because I hadn't done anything to get my medication. She was asking questions about the TB that I did not have answers to. She was mad. So I cried, and said something about getting TB. I said...
"I hate the fact that you two can do this! I hate that you two can make me cry. I hate showing you my feelings so you guys can mock me. It wasn't like I asked for this, I never wanted this, I was never like 'Hey, Mike, I'm in a good mood why don’t you send an infectious disease this way!' I hate this. I hate not knowing if the doctors are lying to me. I hate not feeling anything, not having any symptoms of this, but having it!"
My speech went on for about 20 minutes. Now if you didn’t catch on. TB Infection is a minor case of TB Disease, where you have a small amount of bacteria, but not enough for symptoms. So I am still to this day, two weeks later, working on getting the medication through the state TB program.

I ask myself a question all the time. Why would a couple of people adopt a child, and nurture it, only to find that it was too much to handle. I have what is commonly known as Adopted Child's Syndrome (ACS). According to Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia: Adopted child syndrome is the name for an alleged set of symptoms associated primarily with children who have been adopted or separated from their parent/s at a very early age. It is not a formal diagnosis, but an informal assessment made by some clinicians...Adopted children may suffer symptoms of depression, feelings of incompleteness, phobic fear of abandonment, anxiety, aloofness, and distancing themselves as to make close interpersonal relationships impossible. Adopted children, according to this theory, quite often have superficial relationships, which are dominated by a driving need to have their impulses satisfied immediately. Adopted boys in particular had problems with lying, stealing, and lack of integration with others according to Schechter.

Long, but I fit some of those categories; I have never stolen, etc. But I have a really hard time forming close relationship with people. And my parents don’t help my feelings. I am a messed up kid. Sometimes I secretly hate being adopted, I hate them at times, but I stop thinking about it. I think too much. I think being adopted, and not having a good relationship with my parents is why I reach out to friends, and mainly girls for love. I had found a girl with whom I had an amazing relationship with. She was adopted also. She was perfect, but when we got into the later months of our relationship, I found she had a lot of growing up to do. She had problems with me not being there, I had problems not being there, but I didn’t have the same kind. She wanted me there, all the time, and I couldn't be. So alas I was fed up and ended it. I sometimes regret it, but I know she is happier with the guy she is with now. I feel I push people away sometimes when they get a little too close. But rarely, because I am such an open person.

Once again, before I go, I just want to say that life has given me many things. I see the beauty in the moon, sunsets, amazing people, and so on and so forth. I am still on my search to find the perfect girl once again. I really am. I'm not a bad person, I just think that I need to look harder. Maybe I need to redefine love. Maybe I need to stop thinking and let life flow, or maybe I need to just let go of everything. I do not know at this point. I hope that one day everything will come to me, and that everything will be answered in a dream. I hope that everything gets better, because that is how I live, I tell myself everyday that things will get better. And sometimes I wonder if I'm lying to myself. I hope not.
According to one quote:
"Love is not something we find, love is something we DO."
I once again hope this is true.

G'Night everyone
~Bill~


Edited - Kat